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Beyond Wine Geegs: Satircal take on wine tasting behaviors
- Thread starter Jo Diaz
- Start date
Oswaldo Costa
Oswaldo Costa
originally posted by Jo Diaz:
SatiricalTried to catch it before it posted... It got away from me. Sorry...
You can edit (and then pretend it never happened).
Tom Glasgow
Thomas W Glasgow
Not this typooriginally posted by Oswaldo Costa:
originally posted by Jo Diaz:
SatiricalTried to catch it before it posted... It got away from me. Sorry...
You can edit (and then pretend it never happened).
Jeff Grossman
Jeff Grossman
Does anyone else smell pork product?
Bell Ringers These guys must love to ring the bell for the Salvation Army at Christmas, because they spend the rest of the year rinsing their glasses; then, shaking them all over the event like they’re ringing the bell for the poor kids who might not have a Christmas without their monumental efforts. My friend Dan likes to call them Flicker Dorks, but Bell Ringers works, too.
The Whole World’s a Phone Booth They think they’re alone. The tent has 1,000 people in it, but they’re so lonely that they have to call friends to tell them how much they’re missed; meanwhile, they’re missing the tasting. And, with the constant drone of the murmuring crowd, how much can anyone really hear and who cares!
Dish Washers Where do these guys get off thinking that my ice tub is their kitchen sink? Each and every person adds more spit than the last. And when you tell them that they’re about the tenth person to wash their glass, they just shrug. Yeooooow!
The Whole World’s a Phone Booth They think they’re alone. The tent has 1,000 people in it, but they’re so lonely that they have to call friends to tell them how much they’re missed; meanwhile, they’re missing the tasting. And, with the constant drone of the murmuring crowd, how much can anyone really hear and who cares!
Dish Washers Where do these guys get off thinking that my ice tub is their kitchen sink? Each and every person adds more spit than the last. And when you tell them that they’re about the tenth person to wash their glass, they just shrug. Yeooooow!
originally posted by SFJoe:
I think I'm at different tastings than those.
Although this one might have been me:
"I had just poured a Chardonnay that he asked for, and I went into the adjectives; you know, apple, citrus, butter. He stopped me dead in my tracks, “Young lady,” (I was thinking, how sweet!), and he continued, “Do not presume to tell me what I’m going to find on my palate.”"
originally posted by SFJoe:
Not pork, but I don't recognize most of those people.
I think I'm at different tastings than those.
"Caught in a Tasmanian devil-esque swirl of facial hair and skinny jeans."
or
"Please god, could you have showered within a week of this tasting?"
Eden Mylunsch
Eden Mylunsch
I don't think of you as being that loutish.
Okay, maybe you are. But politely so.
I used to do that wine pourer stuff until I got too adversarial with the presumptive tasters. And I wasn't even drinking or anything, but don't you start telling ME about the wine I'm pouring YOU. And the last hour of any tasting is just fucking murderizing, what with the drunks stumbling up, thrusting their glasses in my general direction and saying "gimme a red- I've got a big wine collection!" and then the other people who are too fucked up by that point to be bothered to get up from their tables to get a glass when theirs has been sucked dryer than a rock in the desert in August so they come to me and ask for a whole bottle to take back to the table, "because we're big collectors and we'll buy your wine next week if you give us a bottle now so we don't have to get up every time we want a glass. We love your wine almost as much as we love Rombauer Chardonnay."
Then there are also the assholes who can't hold their glasses steady as they're turning around to talk to their friends and then get pissed off when wine gets slopped all over their sleeves (if they even have any goddamn sleeves; really, you're coming to a nice wine event wearing a wifebeater t-shirt? I don't give a fuck if it's an Armani wifebeater t-shirt, it's still inappropriate). But you know what fries my ass the most? It's those jerks who have adopted the "push your glass up" method as the way to inform the pourer (ie: me) that they don't want more wine in there. It's like I'm doing party pours or anything but shit, if you don't want it, then just don't drink it! Use the dump bucket. Let me pour out of my samples early so I can go home and not deal with the alkies vying to see who can have the biggest hangover the next morning. No, I'm not making all this up. Ask Brad. He's seen these people in action. Some of them actually do back up the truck and fill it up with my wine, but that happens about as often as Halley's comet comes around, so I'm not holding my breath for that particular bit of lightning to strike twice. No sir, I'm not.
It's a good thing I don't have to deal with this shit anymore. I about throttled some guy the last time when he knocked the goddamn dump bucket all over the table as he was attempting to dramatically recreate the dump bucket scene in "Sideways". His friends thought it was funny when I placed the (now empty) bucket on his head and said "hey - you're recreating the scene from that DEVO video!!" Feeling remorseful (well, a little) I left shortly after that and joined the reachout program of the WCTU and began attending rage management courses. My therapist suggested I stop working wine events and that I find something more constructive to do with my time. I toyed with going into the dog oil business but wound up finding work at a diploma mill. The business there is all internet-based so I don't have to deal with interacting with doltish clients. I may start up my own religion too, since everyone likes to have a certificate on their wall to prove that they're really someone, and having a plaque indicating that your the Archbishop (or even Pope, if you've got enough dough) in the Church of Eden is a lot more reasonably priced than filling up a wine cellar with a bunch of trophy cabernets that even Dan Berger doesn't think are worth shit.
-Eden (it's not me, it's THEM!!!!)
Okay, maybe you are. But politely so.
I used to do that wine pourer stuff until I got too adversarial with the presumptive tasters. And I wasn't even drinking or anything, but don't you start telling ME about the wine I'm pouring YOU. And the last hour of any tasting is just fucking murderizing, what with the drunks stumbling up, thrusting their glasses in my general direction and saying "gimme a red- I've got a big wine collection!" and then the other people who are too fucked up by that point to be bothered to get up from their tables to get a glass when theirs has been sucked dryer than a rock in the desert in August so they come to me and ask for a whole bottle to take back to the table, "because we're big collectors and we'll buy your wine next week if you give us a bottle now so we don't have to get up every time we want a glass. We love your wine almost as much as we love Rombauer Chardonnay."
Then there are also the assholes who can't hold their glasses steady as they're turning around to talk to their friends and then get pissed off when wine gets slopped all over their sleeves (if they even have any goddamn sleeves; really, you're coming to a nice wine event wearing a wifebeater t-shirt? I don't give a fuck if it's an Armani wifebeater t-shirt, it's still inappropriate). But you know what fries my ass the most? It's those jerks who have adopted the "push your glass up" method as the way to inform the pourer (ie: me) that they don't want more wine in there. It's like I'm doing party pours or anything but shit, if you don't want it, then just don't drink it! Use the dump bucket. Let me pour out of my samples early so I can go home and not deal with the alkies vying to see who can have the biggest hangover the next morning. No, I'm not making all this up. Ask Brad. He's seen these people in action. Some of them actually do back up the truck and fill it up with my wine, but that happens about as often as Halley's comet comes around, so I'm not holding my breath for that particular bit of lightning to strike twice. No sir, I'm not.
It's a good thing I don't have to deal with this shit anymore. I about throttled some guy the last time when he knocked the goddamn dump bucket all over the table as he was attempting to dramatically recreate the dump bucket scene in "Sideways". His friends thought it was funny when I placed the (now empty) bucket on his head and said "hey - you're recreating the scene from that DEVO video!!" Feeling remorseful (well, a little) I left shortly after that and joined the reachout program of the WCTU and began attending rage management courses. My therapist suggested I stop working wine events and that I find something more constructive to do with my time. I toyed with going into the dog oil business but wound up finding work at a diploma mill. The business there is all internet-based so I don't have to deal with interacting with doltish clients. I may start up my own religion too, since everyone likes to have a certificate on their wall to prove that they're really someone, and having a plaque indicating that your the Archbishop (or even Pope, if you've got enough dough) in the Church of Eden is a lot more reasonably priced than filling up a wine cellar with a bunch of trophy cabernets that even Dan Berger doesn't think are worth shit.
-Eden (it's not me, it's THEM!!!!)
originally posted by SFJoe:
Not pork, but I don't recognize most of those people.
I think I'm at different tastings than those.
From my side, I see it all...
Kay Bixler
Kay Bixler
I'm quite the aggressive bell-ringer at home after giving the glass a rinse. One day that little stem is going to snap and there will be blood.
From my story... I knew you guys would "get it."
Pusher-uppers & puller-outers These are my two personal favorites. Both of them make the decision that you’ve poured enough wine, but instead of telling you in words, they tell you in actions. The pusher uppers are those people who, once they’ve made their split-second decision, will forcefully push up on their glasses, causing you to jump out of your skin. No matter how many times I’ve experienced them, I’m never ready for the pusher-uppers. I pushed back once, just to see the expression on her face it was classic. She looked confused. “Welcome to my world,” I mused.
Another time, when I had just experienced a pusher-upper, I turned to a colleague who was pouring with me. We had a minute of down time. I said, “You know, I can’t stand pusher-uppers.” He looked at me quizzically I said, “You know, those people who decide that you’ve poured enough wine for them and they just push their glass up at you.” He said, “Well, I think that it’s kinda nice. They’ve decided that they’ve had enough.” I returned, “Phil, why can’t they just say, ‘thank you.’” Phil thought for a second and said, “You know, you’re right. What would it take to be a little polite?” I said, “My point exactly.”
Then Phil said to me, “You know, I can’t stand the ones who pull their glass away while you’re still pouring!” I said, “Oh, you mean the Puller-Outers.” He said, “Yeah, what are they thinking? You’re pouring, and the next thing you know, they start to take their glass away while you’re still pouring wine. It makes me follow their hand so I don’t spill all over the place.”
I said, “You know, the next time I have a pusher-upper, I going to push right back. I’ve had it.” Just at that moment, my friend R.B. arrived. I was so excited.
She offered her beach home to me as overnight accommodations, and I just couldn’t wait to hug her, so I said to Phil, “I’ll be right back. I have to go to say ‘Hi’ to R.B.” I left the table and looked over my shoulder just in time to see red wine splashed all over the white tablecloth. I looked at Phil, and he gave me this mischievous wink. Later he told me that the very next guy turned out to be a puller-outer. At first Phil started to follow him with the bottle. Then he thought, “What the heck” and let ‘er rip. Horrified, the husband exclaimed, “That’s the second time that’s happened to me tonight!” His wife retorted, “Get a clue!”
Pusher-uppers & puller-outers These are my two personal favorites. Both of them make the decision that you’ve poured enough wine, but instead of telling you in words, they tell you in actions. The pusher uppers are those people who, once they’ve made their split-second decision, will forcefully push up on their glasses, causing you to jump out of your skin. No matter how many times I’ve experienced them, I’m never ready for the pusher-uppers. I pushed back once, just to see the expression on her face it was classic. She looked confused. “Welcome to my world,” I mused.
Another time, when I had just experienced a pusher-upper, I turned to a colleague who was pouring with me. We had a minute of down time. I said, “You know, I can’t stand pusher-uppers.” He looked at me quizzically I said, “You know, those people who decide that you’ve poured enough wine for them and they just push their glass up at you.” He said, “Well, I think that it’s kinda nice. They’ve decided that they’ve had enough.” I returned, “Phil, why can’t they just say, ‘thank you.’” Phil thought for a second and said, “You know, you’re right. What would it take to be a little polite?” I said, “My point exactly.”
Then Phil said to me, “You know, I can’t stand the ones who pull their glass away while you’re still pouring!” I said, “Oh, you mean the Puller-Outers.” He said, “Yeah, what are they thinking? You’re pouring, and the next thing you know, they start to take their glass away while you’re still pouring wine. It makes me follow their hand so I don’t spill all over the place.”
I said, “You know, the next time I have a pusher-upper, I going to push right back. I’ve had it.” Just at that moment, my friend R.B. arrived. I was so excited.
She offered her beach home to me as overnight accommodations, and I just couldn’t wait to hug her, so I said to Phil, “I’ll be right back. I have to go to say ‘Hi’ to R.B.” I left the table and looked over my shoulder just in time to see red wine splashed all over the white tablecloth. I looked at Phil, and he gave me this mischievous wink. Later he told me that the very next guy turned out to be a puller-outer. At first Phil started to follow him with the bottle. Then he thought, “What the heck” and let ‘er rip. Horrified, the husband exclaimed, “That’s the second time that’s happened to me tonight!” His wife retorted, “Get a clue!”
Kay Bixler
Kay Bixler
Note to self, don't get Eden going about wine tastings.
originally posted by Kay Bixler:
I'm quite the aggressive bell-ringer at home after giving the glass a rinse. One day that little stem is going to snap and there will be blood.
I've got one guy who had to get stitches... Beware.
David M. Bueker
David M. Bueker
what's a wine geeg?
originally posted by Jo Diaz:
That's because you're on the other side of the tableoriginally posted by SFJoe:
Not pork, but I don't recognize most of those people.
I think I'm at different tastings than those.
From my side, I see it all...
I think it may be the other side of the ocean, or at least the continent, or maybe it's the wines.
OTOH, scene from the CSW LDM tasting a couple of weeks ago. Self exchanging a few words with Rene Mosse at his table. Two skinny hipsters come up and have a taste of young vines Anjou blanc. One asks RM in all seriousness, "Do you top the barrels on this wine?" "It tastes kinda oxidized." Mosse says, "What did you say?" The guy repeats it verbatim. Thought Rene would go over the table after him. But instead he said, "Tell you what. You come to France and you can come down with me into my cellar and help me top barrels."
Jeff Grossman
Jeff Grossman
Jo, if I may make a suggestion: We can already read your article on your site. There is no need to cut/paste large steaming chunks of it here. Thank you.originally posted by Jo Diaz:
Pusher-uppers & puller-outers
Cory Cartwright
Cory Cartwright
Nooriginally posted by VLM:
"Please god, could you have showered within a week of this tasting?"