Kay Bixler
Kay Bixler
It was total Hollywood schlock and I laughed the whole way through. Chardonnay that mysteriously makes women take their clothes off. Every time. If only it had aliens.
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Billionaire's Vinegar goes Hollywood
- Thread starter Sharon Bowman
- Start date
It was total Hollywood schlock and I laughed the whole way through. Chardonnay that mysteriously makes women take their clothes off. Every time. If only it had aliens.
originally posted by Kay Bixler:
originally posted by Sharon Bowman:
originally posted by MLipton:
It might make "Bottle Shock" seem like a Palme d'Or contender.
Good lord, that film could be used to torture the guy in "A Clockwork Orange." It made me want to gouge my eyes out.
It was total Hollywood schlock and I laughed the whole way through. Chardonnay that mysteriously makes women take their clothes off. Every time. If only it had aliens.
You mean the Bo Barrett and Steven Spurrier characters weren't aliens???? WTF??
Mark Lipton
(I actually only saw it on a plane without sound -- far more tolerable that way)
U
Unknown
Guest
originally posted by Jonathan Loesberg:
Come on people, use a little melodramatic investigation: the movie starts with Thomas Jefferson acquiring the real bottle of wine. This bottle has mystical significance because it somehow contains the blood of both Jesus Christ and Adam Locke (the real person who wrote the works of both John Locke and Adam Smith, natch), thus enabling Jefferson to define a secular, democratic government that nevertheless has the sacredness of Jesus before he was corrupted by Christianity. Jefferson preserved this bottle in a secret place so that its essence would continue to fund world progress toward freedom and Dan Brown spirituality.
Fast forward to the present, at which time, two people are working in consequence of the loss of this bottle and its threatening destruction of what Jefferson built. One, our hero, named Lance Larue, or something, seeks to find the original bottle and put it in a safe place among those who will know its value and thus allow it to manifest its world-rattling importance. In this quest, he, of course, meets a beautiful young female wine lover, who is at first skeptical of his extra-vinuous ends as a)deluded and b)possibly self-serving but who comes to recognize both his intelligence and his aspirations. He, of course, though he needs her geekly knowledge, is exasperated by her lack of belief and underestimates the importance of that knowledge to what they need to achieve. Here we get sex between beautiful Hollywood actors.
this is good. larue is obviously some sort of historian / anthropologist / orientalist, and the lengthy spells he has spent living in tents indiana jones style explain why he knows nothing about wine (cue flashbacks to him drinking raki made from fermented goats blood in scenes that look remarkably like the original indiana jones for early feel good factor).
lance will explain the mysterious origins of the wine in the two minutes we see him lecturing to his impossibly good looking and suspiciously mature students:the jesus cuvee was made in orange, while the adam locke is bordeaux, and it is a mystery to him how they ended up together. this enables beautiful geek (who is a post doc at the the ridiculously grand anglo university to which larue has been seconded) to explain the use of blood in fining and the history of using of rhone wines to beef up claret. etc. obviously impressing larue in spite of his old school sexism. beautiful geek will be played by the hottest actress available, who will wear glasses for these early scenes, before glamming her shit up for the rest of the picture.
while this background plot stuff is necessary, it is totally fucking boring, but this device will allow it to explained via a voice over conversation as larue and geek wander through the improbably photogenic surroundings of their college after his lecture, the architectural and pseudo-intellectual porn serving as foreplay to the real thing.
Their quest is obstructed by the evil Rodenstock (played by someone like Jeremy Irons or Alan Rickman), who both wants to get and drink the real bottle and to fund his aims by selling a forged one (which contains, of course, cheap merlot, because all those rich people who will bid on the bottle are too stupid to know the difference--hence scenes of cheap comedy at their expense).
rodenstock is a don at rival ridiculously grand institution, which is why larue has come to england at the start of the movie. he is a math genius, and is busy manipulating the global financial system (tm). drinking the wine will help him manipulate minds in the same way.
when he isn't planning world domination, he is an advisor on all things beautiful to the famous london auction house (more visual porn). this sideline allows him to constantly switch fakes for the real thing (more gags at the expense of the rich). due to an error by one of his underlings (who we see suffer gruesomely for his sins), the fake is shipped back to rodenstock, while the real thj bottle is delivered to the offices of a plutocrat in new york.
plutocrat has, of course, knows larue from years ago, and there is much mutual animosity. he has his own plans for world domination, but is unaware of the true power of the thj bottle.
cue:
Rodenstock's attempts to get the real bottle lead to requisite car chases and escapes. Rodenstock, of course, has a beautiful but calculating and evil female assistant who will early on seduce our hero to get some vital information (causing periodic comic jealousy between our hero and his ultimate wine-geek true love)and, who will have some sort of kinky sex with Rodenstock that will indicate their perversity but also be normal soft-core porn.
no aliens. but the devil needs to play a murky background role, and numerous minor players should die in grisly and improbable ways.
angels, if they appear, should be meaner and less powerful than people imagine.
fb.
nigel groundwater
nigel groundwater
Well at least that's closer to the actualite than Bottle Schlock was even though it seems possible that Alan Rickman will have been in both.originally posted by Jonathan Loesberg:
Come on people, use a little melodramatic investigation: the movie starts with Thomas Jefferson acquiring the real bottle of wine. This bottle has mystical significance because it somehow contains the blood of both Jesus Christ and Adam Locke (the real person who wrote the works of both John Locke and Adam Smith, natch), thus enabling Jefferson to define a secular, democratic government that nevertheless has the sacredness of Jesus before he was corrupted by Christianity. Jefferson preserved this bottle in a secret place so that its essence would continue to fund world progress toward freedom and Dan Brown spirituality.
Fast forward to the present, at which time, two people are working in consequence of the loss of this bottle and its threatening destruction of what Jefferson built. One, our hero, named Lance Larue, or something, seeks to find the original bottle and put it in a safe place among those who will know its value and thus allow it to manifest its world-rattling importance. In this quest, he, of course, meets a beautiful young female wine lover, who is at first skeptical of his extra-vinuous ends as a)deluded and b)possibly self-serving but who comes to recognize both his intelligence and his aspirations. He, of course, though he needs her geekly knowledge, is exasperated by her lack of belief and underestimates the importance of that knowledge to what they need to achieve. Here we get sex between beautiful Hollywood actors.
Their quest is obstructed by the evil Rodenstock (played by someone like Jeremy Irons or Alan Rickman), who both wants to get and drink the real bottle and to fund his aims by selling a forged one (which contains, of course, cheap merlot, because all those rich people who will bid on the bottle are too stupid to know the difference--hence scenes of cheap comedy at their expense). Rodenstock's attempts to get the real bottle lead to requisite car chases and escapes. Rodenstock, of course, has a beautiful but calculating and evil female assistant who will early on seduce our hero to get some vital information (causing periodic comic jealousy between our hero and his ultimate wine-geek true love)and, who will have some sort of kinky sex with Rodenstock that will indicate their perversity but also be normal soft-core porn.
I shouldn't need to spell out the rest.
In another of these threads in a forum far far away, a plausible story line [allegedly from a Hollywood insider] is that Pitt will play the Tom Hanks equivalent in the Da Vinci Code in this one [as Lance Larue?] so the Dan Brown reference above also rings true.
I wonder if Bill Koch will hit you with a lawsuit for providing such a detailed spoiler?
Jonathan Loesberg
Jonathan Loesberg
originally posted by nigel groundwater:
Well at least that's closer to the actualite than Bottle Schlock was even though it seems possible that Alan Rickman will have been in both.
In another of these threads in a forum far far away, a plausible story line [allegedly from a Hollywood insider] is that Pitt will play the Tom Hanks equivalent in the Da Vinci Code in this one [as Lance Larue?] so the Dan Brown reference above also rings true.
I wonder if Bill Koch will hit you with a lawsuit for providing such a detailed spoiler?
Since I doubt I could sue for plagiarism, even if the movie appeared with this plot (no element of it including the whole made out of the parts, having even a speck of originality), I doubt anyone can sue me for spoiling a plot that can't be spoiled since it already exists.
originally posted by Jonathan Loesberg:
originally posted by nigel groundwater:
Well at least that's closer to the actualite than Bottle Schlock was even though it seems possible that Alan Rickman will have been in both.
In another of these threads in a forum far far away, a plausible story line [allegedly from a Hollywood insider] is that Pitt will play the Tom Hanks equivalent in the Da Vinci Code in this one [as Lance Larue?] so the Dan Brown reference above also rings true.
I wonder if Bill Koch will hit you with a lawsuit for providing such a detailed spoiler?
Since I doubt I could sue for plagiarism, even if the movie appeared with this plot (no element of it including the whole made out of the parts, having even a speck of originality), I doubt anyone can sue me for spoiling a plot that can't be spoiled since it already exists.
Ah, but you underestimate the perverse genius of Bill "Tort King" Koch. I'm sure that he'll be able to find damages in excess of $1B (or $1000M for our UK readers) in what you've written, Prof. Other.
Mark Lipton
Jonathan Loesberg
Jonathan Loesberg
originally posted by MLipton:
originally posted by Jonathan Loesberg:
originally posted by nigel groundwater:
Well at least that's closer to the actualite than Bottle Schlock was even though it seems possible that Alan Rickman will have been in both.
In another of these threads in a forum far far away, a plausible story line [allegedly from a Hollywood insider] is that Pitt will play the Tom Hanks equivalent in the Da Vinci Code in this one [as Lance Larue?] so the Dan Brown reference above also rings true.
I wonder if Bill Koch will hit you with a lawsuit for providing such a detailed spoiler?
Since I doubt I could sue for plagiarism, even if the movie appeared with this plot (no element of it including the whole made out of the parts, having even a speck of originality), I doubt anyone can sue me for spoiling a plot that can't be spoiled since it already exists.
Ah, but you underestimate the perverse genius of Bill "Tort King" Koch. I'm sure that he'll be able to find damages in excess of $1B (or $1000M for our UK readers) in what you've written, Prof. Other.
Mark Lipton
He can, of course, do as he wants, I guess. But I am reminded of Hotspur's answer to Mortimer's claim that he can summon spirits from the vasty deep:
Why so can I, or so can any man,
But will they come when you do call for them?
Cole Kendall
Cole Kendall
originally posted by MLipton:
I'm sure that he'll be able to find damages in excess of $1B (or $1000M for our UK readers) in what you've written, Prof. Other.
Perhaps £620M (more or less)