How to Hate Wine

Keith Levenberg

Keith Levenberg
1. BUY ONLY THE BEST.

"uy only the best and the rarest. Don’t settle for any old Montrachet - collect the Montrachets of DRC, Ramonet and Leflaive, and in magnum when possible.

"On the right bank of Bordeaux, buy Pomerol, and in Pomerol, feel free to draw the line at Pétrus, Lafleur and Le Pin.

"To add an Italian wine to your collection, narrow the field to two choices: Monfortino or Masseto.

"California? Screaming Eagle."


2. IF YOU MUST DRINK MUSCADET, MAKE SURE IT'S FIZZY.

"This variety is difficult to find in Asia and its popularity is waning in other parts of the world. With the increase in production and popularity of New World wines with their flavourful, fruity styles, Muscadet is often considered too bland and lacking in fruit. A white grape grown especially in the Loire valley in France, its is named Muscadet for the region from which it originate, but also goes by the name Melon de Bourgogne.

"Although noted for its neutral flavour profile, high acidity and light body, Muscadet producers have refined their techniques to allow the wine to develop a fuller flavour and slight carbonation, which gives the wine additional freshness."


3. DRINK WHITE BURGUNDY, ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT ARE ALREADY DEAD BY THE TIME THEY PREMOX.

"It appears that certain vintages are more susceptible to premox issues like the ones mentioned above while other vintages such as 2003 and 1997 have very little reported premox issues."


4. HALF-BOTTLES ARE THE PERFECT FORMAT FOR YOUR PRIVATE JET.

"The top chateaux have reduced the amount of half bottles they produce, but it’s the perfect format for private jets, both in terms of storage and in terms of serving."


5. DON'T STORE WINE TOO LONG ON YOUR YACHT-- OH ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD IF YOU MUST.

"The thing about a yacht is that it’s not where you want to store wine for any length of time. The constant movement of the vessel causes a molecular reaction in the wine that leads to premature aging. 'So a 2005 Sassicaia that’s been stored for some time on a yacht is going to taste different from a bottle stored in your cellar. It’s not wrong, it’s not damaged, it’s just aged quicker and you have to expect it. The secret really is in planning and timing.'"


6. DON'T BUY WINE FROM YOUR YACHT SUPPLY COMPANY.

"'If you’ve got 10 cases of Petrus 1990, which was released at £3,000 a case, sitting in your cellar, why would you want to pay up to £50,000 to buy it off a yacht supply company, when you can ship it safely, with a little bit of planning, for a few thousand?' asks Register."


7. DON'T HAVE A YACHT YET? INVEST IN CHAMPAGNE. ESPECIALLY DOM PERIGNON.

"Champagne is now seen as both a celebratory drink and lucrative investment choice, thanks to a string of excellent vintages that encouraged fine wine merchants and consumers to diversify their interest beyond reds. . . .

"'Dom Pérignon possesses all the qualities required of an investment wine which makes it perfect for "en primeur" style sales,' says senior brand manager Richard Beaumont. 'We’re very comfortable with Dom Pérignon being seen as a vehicle to make a good return.'"


8. STOP LOOKING AT YOUR DAMN PHONE TO TELL THE TIME.

"Marques you should be looking at, however, are first and foremost Patek Philippe, Breuget, Hublot (in some cases), Rolex, Audemars-Piguet and Greubel Forsey."


9. RUB GOLD AND DIAMONDS ALL OVER YOUR BARE NAKED BODY.

"Imagine being dusted with diamonds, scrubbed with gold or massaged with obsidian, amethyst or malachite.

"These may sound like the indulgent fantasies of a wasteful billionaire, but in fact they’re treatments available at the luxuriously appointed Gem Spa at the Fiesta Americana Grand Coral Beach Cancún Resort and Spa in Mexico."


10. ABOVE ALL, REMEMBER THAT THE COMMUNICATION OF WINE AND ITS LIFESTYLE IS AN ART FORM.

 
6. DON'T BUY WINE FROM YOUR YACHT SUPPLY COMPANY.

"'If you’ve got 10 cases of Petrus 1990, which was released at £3,000 a case, sitting in your cellar, why would you want to pay up to £50,000 to buy it off a yacht supply company, when you can ship it safely, with a little bit of planning, for a few thousand?' asks Register."
Thanks for the tip. I can't tell you how long I've agonized over this issue.
 
"Top Muscat sur lie can yield creamy, yeasty notes with intense minerality reminiscent of nori (dried seaweed), making it compatible with fresh seafood."

Now that's a new genre...
 
originally posted by kirk wallace:
originally posted by Christian Miller (CMM):

Thanks for the tip. I can't tell you how long I've agonized over this issue.

Is that because your Patek Phillipe doesn't measure nanoseconds?

It's because every second feels like an hour of agony when looking at this watch:

Agony
 
wow; one of the ugliest things purporting to be "design" that i've ever seen. and i like "fancy" colored diamonds -- in the abstract anyway. can't say that i own any.
 
originally posted by Jay Miller:
originally posted by kirk wallace:
originally posted by Christian Miller (CMM):

Thanks for the tip. I can't tell you how long I've agonized over this issue.

Is that because your Patek Phillipe doesn't measure nanoseconds?

It's because every second feels like an hour of agony when looking at this watch:

Agony
Thanks, problem solved. I'll just trade my yacht for that thing.
 
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